Self-Censoring in 2019

It was a year and a half, maybe two years ago, that I stumbled into the debate about gender identity. I'd assumed, like a good progressive, that Amnesty was right when it said Self ID was a good thing and really only affected trans people.

I only started looking at the arguments more carefully because I felt I should defend Self ID against its detractors.

After listening carefully to the pro-Self ID side, I realised I didn't agree with it. Only then did I listen to speeches hosted by A Woman's Place UK. I remember the first time I visited their website, I felt nervous. Even in the privacy of my own home. And then - it was all so sensible, and reasonable. And I realised I was the modern equivalent of a heretic. I didn't believe. And I'd seen how heretics got treated. By people I knew.

I changed my mind gradually, but when I knew for certain that I was gender critical, I think I just thought fuck. Because I am no good at pretending I believe stuff I don't believe. I knew at some point, I'd come out and say it. And what then?

I'm an artist. I am involved in the crafty, arty side of the city I live in. Not socially, but for work. I'd seen what had happened to a similar business when the owner, citing his religion, wouldn't display cake toppings for gay couples. (To be clear, he had never refused service to gay couples). He'd been boycotted. He'd had to pass the business on to someone else. I am in favour of same sex marriage but the glee with which he was denounced disturbed me even when I had no inkling I could be headed the same way.

I also write short fiction as a hobby, and I submit these, again, to lefty, arty type online magazines.

A guy who I knew through Twitter would, if he saw someone say something gender critical, retweet them with the hashtag 'TERF'. It's like being branded a witch. On the left, it gives people the right to threaten you, harass you, even attack you.

The first time I liked a gender critical comment my hands shook. I got up in the middle of the night to unlike it.

Feeling unable to point out the sexism, misogyny and incoherence of gender theory reminded me of all the times I was made accept the sexism, misogyny and incoherence of Catholicism. Eventually, I just started tweeting openly. Before I did so, I muted men I knew who regularly 'called out' heretics. I also stopped logging into my business account, because I think it's likely I'd be targeted through that, and I feel better able to defend myself on my personal account. I no longer retweet people who might not want to be associated with me. I no longer bother submitting short stories.

I don't know how paranoid or realistic I'm being. I've seen women hounded and ostracised for believing that biological sex is real. I have always had bad anxiety, and the only way I can be open about my opinion is to shut down as many avenues I can think of through which I can be attacked.

Like other gender critical feminists I follow, I have been over and over these arguments, looking for a way in which I could be wrong. Because I don't want this. But I can't see a way to reach any conclusion other than the one I have. Politicians, organisations, publications, have abandoned their duty to critically engage with this, and to make sure debate can be had. Instead in many cases they have stoked the animosity that anyone risks by speaking up.

It hit me today how much this has affected me. An online magazine tweeted one of my stories, and I felt unable to retweet it, in case they get hassle for publishing something by a 'terf'. I've just swapped one form of self-censoring for another.